I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
