sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
