so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
