I met the friendliest cop last night
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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