I puked a lego.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
