go do what you do best...puke behind churches
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
