yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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