did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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