My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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