i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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