he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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