Your mouth is God's brothel.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
