Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
