You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
