3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
