oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
