Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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