Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
