This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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