I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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