I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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