Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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