Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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