Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
