she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
