i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
