Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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