I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
