I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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