i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
