At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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