i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
