I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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