i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
