I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
