dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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