Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
