I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
