1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
