If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
