ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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