Plan B is the new Plan A
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize