I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
