I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
