Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
