pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
