my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
