My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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