when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
