Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
