I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
