Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
