omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
