just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
