ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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