Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
