I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
