Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
